Waiting.

We all know that patience is a virtue.  However, my 4 year old selfish side has been lashing out lately screaming, “No, I want it NOW.”  I just want to be THERE.  Have everything I ever hoped and dreamed in place, all my plans worked out, loans paid off, degree earned, RD exam passed, dream job, a salary!, vacation days, no homework, place of my own.   It feels like I’m running towards an oasis in the middle of the desert, only to discover I’m running on a treadmill. Stuck.  Eight more months of meeting possible employers, seeing possible job opportunities, seeing myself enjoying working in certain areas, and then poof, what’s my next rotation?  Really, I have to start all over again….learn a whole new computer system and introduce myself 17 more times every day.  Yes, I’m the intern.  Yes, I killed 10 trees last night printing my homework, and yes, I blacked out the patient info on my In-Depth.  I can calculate your BMI faster than I can spell my own name, and sorry you can’t have your bacon cheeseburger on a heart healthy diet.  Sadly, I find myself wondering sometimes where my personality goes from 8:00 – 4:30. Not wanting to say or do the wrong thing, so I nod, smile, find ways to occupy myself, and try to add something noteworthy to the conversation.

It is a challenge for sure, but amidst the uncertainty, there have been beautiful moments.  Moments where I connected with someone, moments where a person needed someone to talk to and I happened to be there, moments where I thought to myself, yeah I know what I’m talking about and I can help you.  Those times, though often short and anticlimactic are still reassuring that we did choose the right field.  We want this; we worked hard to get here, and no one can tell us that we are unworthy of the position we are in. We will make it, through ups and downs, and the key to patience is to just try our hardest to be content with where we are, and not to live in the future, but in the present because there is a lot of life to live in the here and now.

Patience is not waiting; it’s knowing what will come, but living right where you are, no matter where you are.

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One thought on “Waiting.

  1. I feel like this is you reading my mind. All day I am so lost and confused at why I’m doing this then I’ll have a moment and feel good and be lost all over again. I said to my preceptor today, the day this all clicks and I’m finally comfortable will be my last day and I’ll have to leave and learn something totally new. Is it too soon to be burnt out??

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